Today is my tenth wedding anniversary. On the one hand, a decade of marriage has flown by. It seems like yesterday that I was thirty-two and exchanging vows with the girl I call my Adventure Partner. On the other hand, so much has happened in the last ten trips around the sun that it feels like forever. We traveled to different countries and experienced different cultures. We fostered, adopted, and had biological children, going from zero to four in two years, then adding another this year. We moved five times in four years. I wrote and published a novel; my wife launched multiple companies. And those are just a few of the high notes.
The last ten years have offered many experiences and lessons, and we’ve gained some wisdom and perspective. I’ve boiled the important lessons down to a few bullet points. Here are the ten things I’ve learned from ten happy years of marriage.
Share a bank account. If you don’t trust each other with money, you don’t trust each other.
Every couple fights about money; you are unlikely to be an exception. On the other hand, if you can get on the same page with finances, you’ll probably be on the same page in many other areas.
Don’t fall into the “living as roommates” trap.
Roommates are great before marriage, but you want a partner after marriage. Drifting along like ships in the night is a fast track to a short relationship. Find ways to connect, or you will one day look across the room and realize you would be happier with a different roommate.
Regular sex is the glue that holds the relationship together.
This one needs no explanation, but I can’t stress its importance enough. If you want your spouse to be more interested in you, try being interested in them. If you find your testosterone at a level where you don’t desire sex, then you’ll be happy to know that more sex will raise your level. If you want more from sex, try offering more. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Hint: “regular” means several times per week.
Having the same worldview matters a lot. Get on the same page.
Little issues matter less when you are on the same page about significant issues. If you have the same goal, pull in the same direction, and look through the same prism, everything else will line up. Character, morality, and purpose are more important than politics, background, or status. Sit down as a couple and list your priorities because how you see the world matters more than how the world sees you.
Most things aren’t worth fighting over.
She won’t screw the cap back on the toothpaste. He can’t find the hamper to save his life. She doesn’t understand how to load the dishwasher so water can reach all the dishes. He has yet to realize that the trash must be emptied before it overflows. Some things are worth getting angry about, but the list is short. The sooner you can let go of the minor annoyances and realize that your partner’s brain works differently than yours, the happier you will both be.
Travel together as often as possible.
Traveling together teaches you about the world and deepens your relationship. Shared adventures are a great way to gain depth, trust, and closeness.
Give each other the benefit of the doubt.
If you continually think the worst about your partner, they will probably live down to your expectations. On the other hand, assuming your spouse’s heart is in the right place—even when they disappoint you—will eliminate many issues and allow them to live up to their best self.
You can allow each other space when needed without taking it personally.
Being relationally close doesn’t always mean being geographically close. Sometimes, you or your spouse need time away to reset and recharge. Allow them to have it without assuming it’s a question mark on the character of your relationship.
Have one or two separate interests.
Relationships can only grow through shared experiences. At the same time, everyone needs a hobby or pastime of their own. Spend ninety-nine percent of your time together, but keep a few minutes for yourself. Placing your entire identity in your relationship is too much pressure for a relationship to bear.
If you can make sacrifices together for a mutual goal, you will deepen your relationship exponentially.
Shared suffering and common enemies make great relationship glue. When a couple sets goals and makes mutual sacrifices to achieve them, they gain strength by overcoming obstacles together. Couples who live lives of generosity and service grow closer together. People who are selfish and self-focused inevitably end up by themselves.
And one more bonus piece of advice for my unmarried friends:
Be patient and particular when choosing a mate.
Marriage is the great multiplier of life. Marry the wrong person, and your trouble, chaos, insecurity, and drama will multiply. You will be too drained and disillusioned to achieve anything significant out of life. Marry the right person, and your joy, fulfillment, security, and peace will multiply. You will be empowered with the support to accomplish anything.
Be patient. Five years with the right person is better than fifty with the wrong one.
