I’m writing this blog from an elliptical at the gym. But this post isn’t about my writing or workout discipline. That’s not the impressive part. I’m writing this post at the gym ten hours after my twins were born.
That’s the impressive part.
Again, my workout discipline in not the impressive part. The impressive part is that my wife is at the hospital and she doesn’t mind me sneaking out to burn off some nervous energy. In fact, she insisted I go.
If you are married you know how impressive that is. If you aren’t married yet, you’ll learn.
Love and basketball
The morning after I got married I played basketball with my friends.
Yep, you read that correctly. Every time I go back home to Memphis I get my crew together and we play ball. When we planned a long distance wedding in my hometown my brother-in-law asked me if I wanted him to get the crew together to play the morning after the wedding. He may have been joking because he seemed surprised when I said yes. My friends went on to openly scoff at me getting my bride-to-be to let me sneak away on the first day of our new marriage for a few stupid games of throw the leather ball through the metal ring.
I asked my then fiancé if she minded if I played basketball with the guys. She said she had no problem with it at all. I told her my friends thought she would bite off my head for thinking about playing basketball the morning after we started our new life together. That’s when she said something I’ll never forget. She said, “I’ll never tell you that you can’t play basketball with your friends.” And she never has.
Give and take. Or give and give.
My wife and I respect each other’s needs without questioning them. We also don’t take them personally.
My wife doesn’t have to ask me to go for a girls night out. I don’t have to explain to her why I need let my competitive edge out by playing ball or how I need to expend my anxious energy 10 hours after our twins were born.
My wife doesn’t have to trick me into giving her time to do a yoga class. When she needs to get out of the house I don’t assume it’s because she can’t stand seeing my face anymore (though it may be). I don’t take it personal when she needs to get away from the family for some personal shopping time.
I don’t have to explain to my wife why I get antsy if I don’t workout. She doesn’t ask me to explain how I’ll be a better husband when I can have time to recharge. She doesn’t judge my recharge methods.
We respect each other’s needs without questioning them, or taking them personally.
One piece of advice
I’m no marriage counselor. I’ve only been married for 3 years but this is something I really appreciate about my marriage. If I had one piece of advice from my marriage it would be this: find someone who enhances your style instead of changing it.
I’ll end with this one example to help you understand what I mean.
After I wrote my novel I hired a professional editor to help me get it in shape in order to shop it to publishers. I spent a good deal of money on a well-known and highly respected editor. Then I waited anxiously for his results. When I got them back I was disappointed. If you’ve read the book you know the pace is extremely fast. The tempo is upbeat and the story starts quickly and doesn’t let up. The entire story takes place in under a week. In fact, I had one motto in mind as I wrote: push the pace. The editor wanted me change that. He wanted me to make changes that slowed the pace of the book down. He wanted a time period of several months to pass in just the first chapter.
I took his advice into account and changed some things but decided not to make many of the changes he recommended. I felt he wanted to change my style and the feel of the story I was telling.
A year later I finally found a publisher and during the publishing process I worked with another editor. This time it was different. I felt this editor got my style. I felt she shared my vision for the book and the story I was trying to tell. She didn’t try to change my style, but instead she enhanced it. Her recommended changes somehow made the story read even faster. She took my work and through her advice made it a better version of what it was.
I worked with two different editors. I felt one tried to change my style and I felt the other enhanced my style.
The lesson is this: when finding a mate look for someone who enhances your style instead of changing it. Find someone who enhances the good parts of you. Find someone who makes you a better version of who you are.
