Imagine for a moment you are a baby. A baby so young you haven’t even been born yet…
I want to take you on a little journey. But this journey only works if you put yourself in the place of the person I’m describing. It only works if you are able to be empathetic. The journey won’t take long; only about five minutes or so. But I want you to see the power of perspective. There is a lesson here even if you have no interest in foster care or adoption.
So imagine…
You are an unborn baby. Your mother doesn’t even know about you. But she does have a few bad habits that hurt you. She likes to drink and she often does drugs. A lot of them. But you are strong so that’s ok, you’ll survive.
Then she finds out about you, but she still can’t stop her habit. Maybe she wants to. But she can’t. Some babies couldn’t handle what you’ve already been through but you are strong so you survive. Your mom keeps doing her bad habit so you leave her tummy a little earlier than most babies leave their mothers. You are very small so you have to stay at the hospital for a few weeks hooked up to some machines.
It’s weird at first that your mom doesn’t come to see you because the other moms come to see their babies. Your dad doesn’t come see you either, but you don’t know him anyway. Weeks go by and no one comes to see you and eventually you have to leave the hospital cause you got bigger and new babies are coming.
They take you to a group home. There are lots of babies there but no adults there to hold you. So you cry a lot because you want someone to hold you and you don’t understand why no one is. You cry so much you get used to crying.
Eventually they take you to live at a strangers house. And you like the strangers because at least they pick you up and hold you. But you still cry a lot because your body hurts. It’s from the things your mom did but you don’t understand that. You just cry. They call you a difficult baby.
You get carted around to see lots of doctors and nurses and psychologists, because they all want to make sure you are developing. But it’s a lot of work for a little baby. Sometimes you have to go to the doctor four times a week. It’s also a lot of work for the people you live with so they get frustrated.
Someone said you have a social worker that’s going to come see you so you feel special. But then no one comes for several weeks. But that’s ok because they probably have a lot of other babies to check on. Eventually, after a month, a worker comes and says someone named Court (whoever that is) says you get to see your mom three times a week. And your dad three times a week. And you are excited, even though that’s a lot of work for a baby who gets sick easily because of their mom’s bad habit.
Your mom shows up the first time to visit you at a place they call “Visitation.” But then after that she doesn’t come anymore. She has lots of excuses why she can’t come but they don’t really matter in the end. If you were important she would come see you. Your dad never comes. You start to feel like you aren’t a very important baby.
It’s a lot of work for the people keeping you to keep taking you to meetings with your parents that never happen. But Court says they have to keep taking you just in case they show up. Months go by and eventually the people keeping you get the idea that they aren’t going to get to keep you forever because Court keeps talking about sending you to an aunt or uncle in another city. So the people tell the social worker to come get you and take you somewhere else. So they do.
They take you to another house. These new people are kinda nice. But you don’t understand why they took you from the old house. You knew those people’s voices and smell and they kissed you sometimes and that was nice. These new people are frustrated you are in their house because they were told you were an “episode” child. That means there aren’t enough homes for children to stay in until their parents come get them so these people are being forced to keep you for a while until your social worker can find another place for you.
You feel like a test baby. Why are they putting you with people who know they can’t keep you even if they wanted to? Why are they using you as a test child for these people? You don’t understand. You still cry a lot. Even more now than you used to.
You try to attach to the new people but pretty soon you get taken away and sent to another house with new people. There are new smells and new sounds and you don’t really like them. You liked the old ones because you were used to them. But you try.
Pretty soon you end up at another new house. With new people. And new rules and new smells and new routines. And you try to cry less and be good but it’s hard because you are scared they’ll send you to a new place again right when you start to like this one.
Court keeps talking about your family coming to get you but they never do. They don’t even check on you very much. The government is giving them money to try to make them better, but it doesn’t seem to be working. They still have habits that must be more important than you.
Just when you settle into the new place, you get sent to another one. You are a child now, not a baby anymore. But you still don’t understand. Why do they keep taking you away from the only people you know? Why didn’t they let the family that wanted you keep you? Why does no one else want to keep you? Is there something wrong with you?
When you were a baby other parents sometimes found out you were a foster baby and they didn’t want their babies to be around you. And it’s only getting worse as you are getting older. “Foster” seems like a bad word to regular parents. But you don’t understand why. Your body does some weird things sometimes because of the bad habit your mom had when you were still growing in her, but otherwise you are normal. You just want regular parents too.
Then they move you again. And again you try to be good and follow the rules. But the rules at this house are different from the last rules. And those are different from the house before that. It’s hard for you to keep up sometimes. But you try. Unfortunately, sometimes you forget or get it wrong. And everyone gets upset at you pretty fast because you are a foster kid. You feel like you have a shorter leash than most kids.
Court no longer talks about your family. It seems like maybe your family just pretended to want you so the government would keep giving them money and stuff. Or maybe they did want you but couldn’t leave their bad habit. It doesn’t matter anymore either way.
Then you get moved again. You try to connect with the new family, but you don’t try very hard because they are just going to move you soon anyway.
When they do, you don’t try very hard to be good anymore. Why would you? You are bound to fail because everyone expects you to be trouble already anyway. And no matter how hard you try to follow the rules eventually you are going to mess up and no one will understand why. Plus you have to connect to the new people somehow and breaking the rules seems to be the only way.
If you were this child how would you feel and how would those feelings guide your actions?
This is not a true story. This is not the story of our current foster child, nor is it the story of any past foster child we have had. It is a story I completely made up from my imagination. I’m not saying it’s how all foster stories go or how all foster children feel and react. It is NOT true that all foster kids have been exposed to drugs and/or alcohol and many kids who are exposed still have zero health problems that result from the exposure. Also not all children in the system are there as a result of parental substance abuse. Parts of this story have been obviously and purposefully exaggerated. I also know there are good and bad social workers just as there are good and bad foster parents. It is an unfortunate part of the process that not everyone has the best interest of the children in mind to guide them. Thank God for those who do.
I made up this imaginary foster child story for two reasons:
- I want to change the common idea people have that children in the system are damaged goods. And specifically I want to change the idea that children in the system are messed up because of some fault of their own. A foster kid has the same needs and desires as any other child on the planet and they deserve an equal chance of having them met. They should not be marked as different because their parents made very poor choices and because the system is terrible. The truth is most foster kids are tougher and more resilient than other kids, because in their world it takes strength to overcome their parents bad decisions.
- I also want everyone to understand that life is often about perspective. The ability to have empathy for what someone else may have been through (even if you don’t know what it was) can change your whole perception of a person. I’ve said it before: life is hard and people are damaged, so go easy on them. You often have no idea what someone else has been through. And if you went through the same as someone else it’s entirely possible you would handle it worse than they did. Love and empathy often walk hand in hand.
