It’s difficult to pull up years of roots in order to relocate and start over. Very difficult. It was for me. When I left Memphis I had to pull up over two and a half decades of roots. I talked a little about the difficulty of doing that in another post (click here to read it) but I want to talk a little more specifically about one thing that helped me survive.
Like I’ve mentioned before, I was one of those crazy people who stuffed their belongings in the back of a car and drove across the country to meet an unknown future. I had no prospects for rebuilding a life and no idea what I was getting myself into. Those first six months of living in Los Angeles were the most difficult of my life.
Relocating is one thing. Relocating from a southern city like Memphis to one of the most populated and difficult cities in the US is quite another. Memphis is either a very small big city or a very big small city. Los Angeles, on the other hand, is a nightmare. A beautiful, wonderful, nightmare.
Moving to Los Angeles was a culture shock. I think everyone in LA is in a little bit of a personal bubble. And most people out here only let their bubble intersect with yours if they want to use you for something. I think this bubble mentality is partly because the city is so difficult that you have to develop a bit of a bubble to protect yourself from the wolves. On the other hand, that makes Los Angeles a city of some 13 million people but still a very lonely place.
This bubble mentality makes it hard to find people you can trust in LA. A lot of people out here seem like they aren’t real. It’s as if they are always acting. Taking on a different role from what they really are and often trying to present themselves as doing better than they really are. But what else would you expect from an entire city built on make-believe? A city built on the industry of smoke and mirrors. The people here take on the character of the city.
All of these things combine to make new people to the city feel very alone. It also makes it feel like it’s impossible to find good people. Which is exactly how I felt when I moved here. Overwhelmed and under-prepared. But that feeling isn’t unique to the City of Angels. People everywhere have trouble finding a place to belong.
There are several things that kept me going those first few tough months in Los Angeles. But one thing in particular was a lifesaver for me: I had two very solid friends who kept me sane in an insane place.
I credit these two friends with helping me survive the madness. For that first year in LA we would get together every Sunday and go to the beach. Then after the beach we would go get pizza together. We made it a game to try to find the best pizza places in LA. We would ask people where the best pizza joint was and then each Sunday night we would try a new place. Those Sundays helped me survive. No matter what happened during the week or how tough it got, on Sunday I knew I had two people I could trust. Two people who were not trying to use me to get ahead. Two people I could depend on in the midst of the madness.
That saved my life.
Humans were built for relationship. So it is vital that you find a few people who keep you going in the tough times. Find people you can depend on. Trust me, it can be the difference between success or giving up.
I know I’m blessed. Not many people have great lifelong friends. Some people have a tough time finding solid people to surround themselves with. Trust me, I understand; I make friends very slowly. But I do tend to keep them a long time.
So how do you find good people to bring into your life? I would try church. No one is perfect but people who have a strong moral compass usually make better choices than those without. Or connect with people who have similar interests as you do. Sometimes you can even find a great friend in your family. The best friends you can have might be people you have known your whole life. They might even share your blood.
It also might mean pruning your friend list. Some people drag you down instead of building you up. Sometimes you have to cut a few people from your friend team in order to open up crucial roster spots. Also remember, to find a friend you must be a friend. There is a proverb that says, “a man who has friends must show himself friendly.”
I hope these words encourage you to find a friend or be a friend, but mostly I want to take this opportunity to thank my own friends (you know who you are). Especially those who helped me survive the first few crazy months in la la land. You were much-needed lifesavers at a very tough time.
P.S. By the way, I love Los Angeles now. Sure, it takes some time to get to know her and she has her problems (you have to be a celebrity to afford to live here) but she also has a lot of great things to offer (including the beach and a certain pizza place in the valley). So I’m still surviving LA but that’s partly because Sunday “family day” is still a thing.
